Swimmers

Lying on the operating table thinking about all the things that could go wrong, I kept telling myself, relax!  This is the best thing for both her and me. The studies all say this is the best way to control unwanted little ones.

 In 1977 this is not a simple operation.  I hate the hospital; this day will help to ingrain that more and more.  There are three of us waiting for the same procedure.  Lucky me, I’m first!  The gown does nothing to cover my body.  Please change these cover ups to give the wearer some sense of decency. 

I am wheeled into the room by a lady who says, “This will be ok, no problem, we just need to get you prepared.”  Wait a minute I am here, I am prepared! Bring on the doctor and get it done!  She has me hop up on the operating table and lie back.  I might as well be naked; the gown is just a crutch.  “Place your feet in these stirrups,” Excuse me!  Now let me set the scene for you:

1.    I am nearly naked.

2.    I’m in an operating room.

3.    My legs are in women’s stirrups.

4.    The door to the room is looking straight up my gown.

5.    There is a young girl in the room.

6.    I’m cold and shivering.

I don’t care that she is a nurse.   “I need to shave the area and get you ready for the doctor.”  If you a man and you are breathing, plus you’re in your mid 20s and a lady takes warm soapy water and starts to wash your privates, you know what happens.  I don’t care that you’re cold and concerned about what the doctor is going to do, it happens!  Now the next thing I’m about to explain will floor you, it did me.  Remember this is the late seventies.  A vasectomy then was a new thing. 

The door to the operating room opens, in walks eight student nurses.  Help!  I am not a guy that likes to be the center of attention about anything, this cannot be happening.  The nurse running the show starts to explain to each one of them as the doctor comes in, what is going to happen. She says, “Now gather round so you can get a good view of this. Don’t be shy.”  Remember the problem that I was struggling with only moments before with the girl washing me?  No more! 

Without a word from the doctor he takes the scalpel and cuts the left side of the sac.  “Wait a minute” were my only words.  If I could have gotten up off that table then the doctor would have been on the floor.  Lucky for him the nurses each took a place around me held me down.  I feel my stomach being torn from the inside out, when he reaches in and pulls.   This happens a second time to the other side of my manhood.  No numbing, no putting me to sleep, didn’t even buy me dinner first. 

I guess you could say I’m like a lady giving birth; the pain is not as sharp after these years.  Now I have recommended this to several of my friends and even my son, never telling them the story first, of course, they probably wouldn’t have it done to themselves. 

Today Chris my son called me to say “Dad, we are going to have a baby.”  My first words were, “But you were cut.”  Surprise, Surprise, it grew back together.  He recommended to me that I needed to be checked.  Me, go through that again?  Are you kidding?